


Waving Through A Window

by LilyAceOfDiamonds



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anxiety, Child Abuse, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Minor Injuries, Panic Attacks, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-05-24 06:47:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14949659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyAceOfDiamonds/pseuds/LilyAceOfDiamonds
Summary: A look at Sirius Black's childhood the first few months of his first year at Hogwarts through the lyrics of Waving Through A Window from the musical Dear Evan Hansen.





	Waving Through A Window

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is my first published fic, I hope you like it! I was binge-listening to DEH and kept getting Marauder feelings, so I wrote this from my mobile.
> 
> The characters are JK Rowling's, the song lyrics are Pasek and Paul's, I'm just playing with them. Any errors are mine, comments and kudos are welcome! ~Lily

_**Waving Through A Window** _

  
_I've learned to slam on the brake_  
_Before I even turn the key_  
_Before I make the mistake_  
_Before I lead with the worst of me_

The young boy hurried quietly into his brother's room to properly say goodbye, knowing that their mother would never allow crying when they were at the train station. He had learned the hard way to always think about the Black reputation before doing anything. So had his brother.

He stood straight in the drawing room, listening to his mother drone on about respect and 'proper associations' and manners. "You are a Black first, do you hear me Sirius?" His mother shrilled, and he nodded. "Yes Mother. Bring honor to The Noble and Most Ancient House of Blacks."

His father watched him with cold eyes. "If you start up any of your, 'nonsense', we're take you out of there and send you to a proper school. One that allows beatings for misbehavior." The eleven-year-old just nodded and said "Yes, Sir.", well aware that it was not an idle threat.

At the train station, his parents left him as soon as they were on the platform, stepping over to talk business with the Notts. His brother wavered, not wanting to follow, but Sirius sent him on with a quick hug. "Go on, Reg. I'll be fine. Chin up." Then he was left on the platform with only the House Elf for company.

 _Give them no reason to stare_  
_No slipping up if you slip away_  
_So I got nothing to share_  
_No, I got nothing to say_

He had slipped into an empty train compartment and sat against the window, staring out at the excited families hugging their children goodbye. He heard the compartment door slide open, and pretended to be waving to someone outside.

"Can I sit here?" It was a timid looking blonde boy, who scurried in and took the seat opposite him when Sirius waved a lazy hand at him. They sat in silence until two more boys tumbled into the compartment, laughing. "That was aces, mate! Here, quick, switch robes with me, Remus, was it?" He watched with feigned disinterest as the two boys swapped clothing with a muttered "Ta, James" from the taller boy.

"So, who do we have here?" James was looking at him and the blonde, who squeaked out "Peter!" He avoided the other boys' gaze by turning back to the window and saying, "My name's Sirius. Like the star." Then he pretended to ignore the others, staring out the window but barely seeing the scenery as he listened. He knew that it was better to not form any attachments, in case the others weren't in Slytherin with him.

 _Step out, step out of the sun_  
_If you keep getting burned_  
_Step out, step out of the sun_  
_Because you've learned, because you've learned_

He hadn't been in Slytherin after all. He was a Gryffindor. The look on his cousins' faces had promised trouble as he had gone to sit at the red-clad table. He knew that as soon as his parents heard, they would be writing the headmaster to get him resorted. But for now, he allowed himself to smile slightly as he was joined by Remus, Peter, and eventually James.

 _On the outside, always looking in_  
_Will I ever be more than I've always been?_  
_'Cause I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass_  
_I'm waving through a window_

His parents had been outraged. The howler that came the next morning was still ringing in his ears. "The heir of the House Black? In Gryffindor!? Absolutely not, we will be speaking to the headmaster this evening. You will do NOTHING to further disappoint us."

The 'or else' went unstated, but Sirius knew it was there. He had to get out of there, everyone was staring at him. He stood up and strode out of the Great Hall with as much dignity and 'see if I care' attitude as his eleven-year-old self possessed, ignoring the calls of his housemates. Not his friends. That wasn't allowed.

 _I try to speak, but nobody can hear_  
_So I wait around for an answer to appear_  
_While I'm watch, watch, watching people pass_  
_I'm waving through a window, oh_  
_Can anybody see, is anybody waving back at me?_

He had only made it halfway down the hallway on the second floor before he sagged against a tapestry, trying to breathe. The tapestry gave way and he fell into a hidden alcove, stubbing his toe. He would have shouted, but he couldn't make any noise leave his throat. Terror finally rippled through him, shielded from any human eyes.

He would be sent to Slytherin. He knew it. Or even pulled from Hogwarts entirely. No, that couldn't happen! He liked James, and Peter. And Remus. They had shared their sweets with him last night. He didn't want to leave.

Tears were pouring down his face as he breathed too quickly, unable to slow down and trying not to be heard. Suddenly he heard footsteps thundering up the stairs. The other students must have been heading to their first class. Shadows passed by his hiding place, and he bit down on his own hand to stifle any noise he was making. He wanted to slid out and join them discretely, but his legs were trembling too much.

He sat there until the last person left, finally finding the courage to leave the alcove and head into the bathroom nearby. Taking a couple shaky breathes, he wiped his eyes and cheeks, looking at his reflection. He waited until the usual mask of indifference was firmly in place before leaving the bathroom. There was nothing he could do to change his fate.

_We start with stars in our eyes_  
_We start believing that we belong_  
_But every sun doesn't rise_  
_And no one tells you where you went wrong_

The headmaster had not bowed down to his parents' demands. Sirius was still a Gryffindor. It had been two months since the Sorting, and he hadn't heard a word from any of the Blacks. He knew it was too good to last.

His birthday. Of course they would send him a letter on his birthday. Slipping the letter into his pocket, he made excuses to the other boys. James would be upset if he knew he was letting Sirius' birthday pass by, they had planned a huge party for one of the girls, Mary, just last week.

He went out onto the grounds and opened up the letter by the lake. It was thick, several sheets of paper attached to a folded scrap of parchment with his name on it. He flipped the parchment over.

'You will be disowned from the House of Black on your sixteenth birthday, according to wizarding law. Sign the papers. You will come to the manor for breaks and holidays until then. Speak of this to no one.'

_Step out, step out of the sun_  
_If you keep getting burned_  
_Step out, step out of the sun_  
_Because you've learned, because you've learned_

Disowned. He would only get to see Reggie on holidays, if they didn't just lock him in the cellar for the whole break. His cousin Andy had told him that Reg had been forbidden to write him. What was he supposed to do after that? Where would he go? How would he survive being cast out?

_On the outside, always looking in_  
_Will I ever be more than I've always been?_  
_'Cause I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass_  
_Waving through a window_

Sirius watched the doors to the castle open, and students poured out. By the time James, Remus, and Peter reached him, he had stowed the letter out of sight and was tossing pebbles into the lake. The squid kept shooting them back out next to him.

"Alright, mate?" James, of course. Sirius put on a grin and laughed with them as Peter tried to catch the squid's tentacle and almost fell into the lake, saved only by Remus' long arms. "Yeah, mum was just making sure I'm coming home for Christmas." His voice sounded almost normal, although he avoided Remus' searching look by putting James in a headlock.

_I try to speak, but nobody can hear_  
_So I wait around for an answer to appear_  
_While I'm watch, watch, watching people pass_  
_Waving through a window, oh_  
_Can anybody see, is anybody waving?_

The panic sets in as he's trying to sleep. He doesn't know what to do, and he's not allowed to tell anyone. He slides out of bed and over to the window, opening it a crack. Several shuddering breaths later, he feels slightly calmer but needs to be somewhere other than this small tower room with sleeping boys.

He climbs out the portrait hole, ignoring the Pink Lady's questions. Once he's back down on the grounds, he starts crying again. Proper sobs this time, with no one around to hear. He’s only eleven - well, twelve - years old! It wasn't his fault the stupid hat put him in Gryffindor!

But he's so glad it did.

_When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around_  
_Do you ever really crash, or even make a sound?_  
_When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around_  
_Do you ever really crash, or even make a sound?_

He breaks into the broom shed and 'borrows' a broom. He wasn't very good at flying, but he loved the feeling of the wind in his hair. Sirius didn't even make it down to the pitch, he just mounted the broom right there and flew it around the grounds.

Maybe if he was good enough, his parents would change their minds. He should start hanging around with the Slytherins, as much as that thought made him want to throw up. And no more association with any of the Gryffindors except as a place to eat and sleep.

Even his friends. No, they weren't his friends. He wasn't supposed to like them. Even when Peter saved him the last slice of pie, or James laid half-on-top of him as he was sitting in that armchair right by the fire. Or Remus --

He crashes right into the Whomping Willow.

_Did I even make a sound?_  
_Did I even make a sound?_  
_It's like I never made a sound_  
_Will I ever make a sound?_  
_On the outside, always looking in_  
_Will I ever be more than I've always been?_  
_'Cause I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass_  
_Waving through a window_

He knew his arm was broken as soon as he hit the ground. The broom had been smashed to splinters by the angry tree, and he had scrambled back out of range of the willow as quickly as possible. Cradling his arm, he tried to stand, but fell back almost immediately. He had also twisted his ankle. Just his luck.

The distance to the castle seemed impossible to get across. Sirius knew he need to. No one knew where he was, he couldn't just stay out here all night. He made it a dozen steps before collapsing to the ground with a grunt of pain.

_I try to speak, but nobody can hear_  
_So I wait around for an answer to appear_  
_While I'm watch, watch, watching people pass_  
_Waving through a window, oh_  
_Can anybody see, is anybody waving back at me?_  
_Is anybody waving?_  
_Waving, waving, whoa-oh, whoa-oh_

He saw three figures slip out of the castle. He tried to make himself smaller, less visible, but they had already spotted him. They ran towards him, and he tried not to show any pain as he struggled to stand up, cursing his ankle and arm.

"Sirius! Hey, Sirius!" His head snapped up at the familiar voice. The three figures were getting closer, and one of them was waving his arms above his head as he ran.

James. Remus. Peter. His friends had come for him.

He raises his non-broken arm and waves back.

 


End file.
